


How Did We Get Here?

by DontRememberMe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eremika - Freeform, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 22:06:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontRememberMe/pseuds/DontRememberMe
Summary: Eren hurt Mikasa pretty bad with his words, Mikasa goes on a walk and collapses due to the physiological pain Eren caused, Eren finds her laying in the snow and tries to make everything better.





	

The cold wind nipped at her porcelain-like features as she exited the Dining hall, tears threatening to spill from her stormy grey eyes as she make a weak attempt to keep her heart rate down. It was obvious that Eren would explode, she knew that, but all she wanted to do was try and keep him safe, that's all she ever wanted. Her breath was hitching in her throat as she took a shaking hand and pulled the maroon scarf just slightly over her cold nose, closing her eyes briefly to be taken aback by its nostalgic scent as light snowflakes became tangled in her obsidian hair. All she could think about was Eren.

"I don't need you anymore!"

His violent words echoed constantly in her fragile mind, more deep cuts added to her already broken heart, cutting through it like silver would. Something felt as though his sharp words were strong enough to beat the inner walls she spent years building bit by bit down to nothing, to make her feel as though she was realistically bleeding out, and God did it hurt like Hell. This was Eren, she always let her guard down during their arguments and conversations, weather they were good or bad... Even when she knew she would be the one suffering afterwards. Her vision became blurred, her walk tilting as she stopped just before the land became forest trees. She knew this was no time to be out walking the grounds, she knew the bell dings would soon ring throughout the surrounding area to signal it was time to retreat back to the barracks for rest, but she didn't care. She needed to be alone to fix her own shattered heart, just barley, leaving out a big enough part where she could still feel the blood slowly dripping from it. She'd rather feel like she was slowly dying on the inside from internal pain than to have a false sense of security that can be ripped apart before her eyes again. They lived in a world that was full of ignorance and false hope as she offered her mangled heart to the cause for Humanity's future outside the walls, tomorrow was never promised to her. She made it past a couple of trees as she entered the forest area and fell to her knees, hands desperately clutching at her chest, where her bleeding heart was dripping profusely. Her breath quickened as she shut her eyes tight.

"You... Don't need me... Anymore... You're all that I... Am"

The words burned as they fell from her lips, making her breath visible as its heat met the cold air. One slender hand clutched to her throat, making her nails draw the slightest of blood, as hot tears began to stream from her dark lashes. She felt so weak. She fell forward on her forearms, both hands now desperately pulling at her raven colored hair as if it would make the pain go away.

"I'll die... For you..."

She managed to choke out more words and confessions to no one as moonlight shined through the shadowed trees, just enough to barley illuminate herself and her surroundings. Her knuckles turned white as she continued to break. Her breathing became faster before it became slower, much to painfully slow, but that's all that she was able to do. She was still breathing for him as she struggled to keep herself alive, not in battle, but mentally. It was a battle that she was slowly losing, but she couldn't leave him in this cruel world alone, he would die if she wasn't there to protect him, and that was something she would never be able to forgive herself for. She loved him, but it hurt to breathe... It was a difficult line to walk. Her lithe body became limp as she fell on her side, more tears slipping slowly from her eyes as delicate fingers dented the fresh snow around her. The cold air nipped harder at her face at its given opportunity that it was now drenched with her tears. Her thin brows furrowed as the pain continued to cut away at her heart slower as if it was a blade, she closed her eyes as snow collected onto her body.

"I loved... And I loved... and I lost you... And it hurts like Hell..."

She sang brokenly to herself, her words hardly audible to even the trees that shadowed her. Singing was always something that soothed her broken spirit, her Mother would sing softly to her if she was crying or if she was unwell, and she would give almost anything to hear her voice again. Her pale fingers curled into small fists as she remembered her parents deaths, the way the light left their eyes as they fell lifeless before her. She remembered being hit in the face by a heartless fist and waking up cold on a wooden floor, being anywhere but home. A knock at their door from a boy her age with a small knife hidden behind his back, that very knife that was used to kill her predators in a blur of fury. Eren then cutting the tight rope from her wrists when he came to save her life before she saved his from the third Slave Trader he never saw coming, creating a lifetime bond. He killed for her and they were bound by blood and a crimson scarf that he gave her on that same cold night.

"it's warm, right?"

His soft words ran through her mind as she remembered him wrapping his scarf around her to keep her warm, the very thing that symbolized their bond.

"I'd rather die... Than not be by your side..."

She felt lost and tired, she hadn't felt this way in a while. Every argument they had always chipped away at her, up to this, her breaking point. Every conflict they shared slowly cracking her on the inside piece by piece. He was breaking her and he didn't even know it.

. . .

"Eren, you should go apologize..."

The dining room grew to an uncomfortable quiet after Mikasa left, the door closing softly behind her. Had she never left, who knew what would have happened. Armin was speaking cautiously to Eren, still understanding the fact that he was still, indeed, pissed off.

"I did nothing but stand my ground Armin, I do every time she says I shouldn't be here in the Military..."

Eren chewed a piece of bread between his teeth, swallowing sharply. He was speaking more calmly than he just spoke to Mikasa five minutes ago, but agitation still clear in his gaze.

"I know Eren, but she's only trying to look out for you. Yes, it might be suffocating sometimes, but she just cares about you... And you may have been too harsh with your words this time... You said you didn't need her anymore"

The ends on Erens lips twitched into a slight frown, had he really said that? Sometimes he was too pissed off to even know what exactly was coming out of his mouth, he supposed that was the inner Titan in him... The inner Monster. He breathed a heavy sigh, it was always like this... There wasn't a week that went by that they didn't argue, it had been this way since they were younger. He picked up on a couple of peoples low conversations, they were mostly talking about how hurt Mikasa looked. He swallowed thickly, had he hurt her that much? She never let anything of her emotions show through her legendary stoic features. He didn't lie, she was generally making him angry, he only said what he felt. He didn't need saving or a protector or a baby sitter, he wasn't her brother or child to take care of. He sighed again and closed his eyes, the more he thought about it, the more regret entered his mind. She knew exactly what to say to get under his skin.

He let out another sigh of frustration as he took the last bite of his food into his mouth, he got up and left the hall without another word. The door shut swiftly behind him, Armin doing his best to cease the gossip that took place afterwards. He breathed again, his breath becoming visible as he shut his eyes briefly and folded his arms across his chest. He let the scent of the outdoors invade his nose, taking in the crisp scent of fresh snow and trees.

"Now if I was Mikasa, where would I go?..."

He spoke to no one but himself as he looked around, he seen rough indentations of where small footsteps were as new snow landed over them, trying to help her hide away from everyone she ever knew. He decided to walk forward, not knowing where his destination actually was. He just wanted to make sure she was alright, he would wrap that scarf around her as many times as he needed to. A small part of him knew she didn't deserve his sharp tongue and harsh words, a smaller part of him knew she was only trying to look out for him. She just frustrated him. He got to where the forest area began and huffed, having a feeling that this is where she would go to regain herself.

"Mikasa?..."

He spoke her name into the dark trees, hoping they could show him the way. A larger snowflake landed on his nose and it crinkled as he brushed it away. He looked around carefully, slowly examining his cold surroundings, guilt almost flooding his system completely at the thought of her being outside in the cold snow alone. Since that night they met, he always wanted to be the one to protect her, instead, it was always him that needed saving as much as he hated to admit it. He didn't want to. He swore that he would protect her since that day, he swore that she would never feel that cold and empty loneliness ever again... But where did that promise go? His heart cracked at the image being replayed in his head, Mikasa, blood dripping from her mouth from cruel abuse, cold, alone and tied up on the hard floor. Her long and dark hair splayed as she lay broken, her dead eyes drifting and staring into nothing. Eren swallowed hard, if he hadn't saved her, who knows what would have happened to her at such a young age... Rape, abuse and even death were to be her future if he hadn't killed for her. He would have been strangled to death by one of the same monsters that captured her if she hadn't saved him. She killed for him just as he killed for her. And here she was, still breathing and still by his side. Something he never learned to appreciate until now. He walked more into to forest area, frowning. How was he supposed to find her? She could have went anywhere. He was thinking on instinct, placing himself in her mind. It was then he saw a figure on the ground at the corner of his eye.

"Mikasa?"

A delicate finger twitched and he walked closer, being cautious, he could tell it was a girl and nothing more. Black hair was splayed on the snowy ground. He heard a soft mumble, something that sounded like his name. The figure moved slightly, a light brown uniformed sleeve rolling up her arm with her small movement. A white ribbon delicately wrapped around her pale wrist, he felt his heart in his throat, he knew it was her.

"Mikasa!"

He rushed to her side and keeled down beside her, gripping her hand like he did all those years ago. She was still conscious. But... Why was she in this state? Why was she lying on the ground like this? Was she attacked? His blood boiled at the very thought.

"Are you okay?! Who hurt you?!"

Eren clenched his jaw, he would kill whoever was responsible, just like the way he killed he last guys that hurt her... The three men who took everything away from her.

"Eren... I'm f-fine..."

He gently sat her up, her body fridgid and stiff from the cold elements. She winced at the movement as he rubbed her back in gentle circle-like motions, his hand never letting go of hers. They had never been this way before, it was normally the other way around... Her holding his hand, her picking him up after he had fallen.

"Mikasa... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I said, I didn't mean it... But we need to get who did this to you, I won't stop till I-"

Mikasa clenched her jaw at his words, he always said this, she knew he meant every word of his apology, but his words cut so deep, she believed every one of them.

"Eren, you meant what you said, I know you did. you did mean it..."

Her voice was broken as another tear rolled down her face, she looked downwards, not wanting him to see her cry, he knew she was regardless.

"...No one hurt me, I promise... I... Fell"

Eren clenched his jaw at how vulnerable she was, he chose to believe her, for now. He still didn't know himself what happened, he would ask her about it again later. His first priority was to get her warm and safe. He swallowed hard and snaked an arm under her legs while his other slid under her back as he carried her and turned to walk back to the barracks.

"I'm sorry..."

"Eren, I know your temper gets the better of you, but... It's fine..."

"No!..."

He stopped walking and looked at her, fresh snow catching on the both of them. The air was still as more snow started to fall, the atmosphere was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

"...It's not fine! It's not okay!... I shouldn't snap at you like this, I'm sorry if I hurt you Mikasa, I really am... I just get frustrated because I'm the one that should be protecting you..."

He looked down after saying the last part, not wanting to look and meet her gaze.

"You're the strongest person I know..."

"W-What?"

"The day we met, I wanted to be just as strong as you were to save me... So I can repay back that debt... You gave me a home Eren, a family... When everything I had was taken away from me..."

A tear slipped from her lashes again as painful memories over ran her system, she didn't bother to hide it or wipe it away, instead, Eren ran his thumb over it, his touch ghosting the scar he left her. He was speechless, she just wanted to be as strong as she precieved him to be.

"You don't need to repay back anything Mikasa..."

He leaned his forehead onto hers and her lips gave the weakest of smiles, she was increadbily weak, but that didn't stop her heart from leaping into her throat. She started to tremble, her hands balling into fists as emotions claimed her heart, over running it. Some waves almost unbearable, some waves cutting like daggers. She wasn't sure if she could do this anymore, the constant turmoil of emotional pain and everything else in between. He would always do this after hurting her, not that he meant it, but it would always leave her a little more physiologically damaged each time.

"Eren..."

He lifted his head back up to meet her gaze, it was different that it had been a few moments ago.

"...I don't think I can do this anymore..."

"Do what?"

"This... I'll still be at your side, I still have your back no matter how much you hate me for doing so, but... I can't keep up anymore, I can't let you keep doing this to me... I don't mind it, but I can barley breathe anymore..."

She looked down as pain entered her at her own words, she made movement so Eren could let her down to the ground gently. She stumbled slightly, Eren caught her before she could fall. His heart became strangled at her words, had he really been hurting her this badly? He recalled recent times when her face looked paler than usual, when there was a slight shaking and stumbling in her hands and in her stance, when her face looked rough in the mornings, as if she'd been crying through the night. How couldn't he notice? How could he let himself do this?

"I can't let you keep doing this to me... I don't mind it, but I can barley breathe anymore..."

He felt like he'd taken a punch to his chest, pain being the only thing he felt as the oxygen was ripped from his system. His eyes felt a familiar prickle as tears attempted to roam free.

"How long have I been hurting you?..."

He never dared to let his eyes meet hers, he didn't deserve to look at her, not after this. The one piece of family he had left, and he was mentally abusing her... And he didn't even know it. His grip never left her when she almost fell, it was the only thing giving him any sort of self control. If he let her go, he wasn't sure what he would do, he was so angry with himself. His grip grew tighter as her asked her his question, she didn't respond.

"Mikasa, please tell me..."

A tear ran down his tanned face as he tried to find any way to keep his head lower, he was tearing himself apart on the inside. How did they ever get here?

"A while..."

Her voice was broken as more tears stained her face and he couldn't stop thinking about how he made her this way, how he broke her so badly. His jaw clenched as his nails dug deeply into the palms of his hands, blood now dripping. His breathing became ragged and uneven as his skin temperature rised beyond the average number. He was losing control because he did the one thing he swore he would never do; hurt her.

"Eren, please, it's alright..."

Her words tore him apart more, how could she say that it was alright to hurt her? How could he be so blind to let it get this far enough for her to be alright with her pain? Alright with the fact that he was the one hurting her, the one that saved her from a fate worse than death those years ago? If what he was feeling now was anything close to the physiological torment he was causing her for so long, he would never forgive himself. He made the decision to look up at her, he now seen exactly how broken she was and he wished he was dead. He didn't even realize her frail hand was resting on his cheek in an attempt to soothe him.

"Eren, I promise you, it's alright... I'm alright..."

She was lying, they both knew it.

"You're lying Mikasa..."

Another tear slipped from him as he looked directly into her eyes, they were as broken as each other. She took in a uneven breath and placed her other hand on his cheek, both thumbs now working to wipe away his tears.

"I don't deserve to have you in my life..."

His voice was almost a whisper as it cracked, he placed a hand over hers as he breathed in her scent and closed his eyes. It somehow always managed to calm him down, from when they were younger to even now, she was home to him, and he never realized until now. Her scent was nostalgic, like their first home. Other traces of purple flowers and firewood were buried within the treasured scent. He closed his eyes, feeling stable but still slowly dying on the inside at how much pain he caused her, how could he have been so oblivious? She was always right next to him, and that was all she ever wanted. Who was he to deny her of such a simple wish?

"Eren, I'm the one that's lucky enough to have you in my life... If it wasn't for you, I would probably dead or wishing I was..."

He opened his eyes at her soft voice, how could she not hate him for the monster he was?

"Mikasa..."

That was all he could say before pulling her into his embrace, everything he couldn't say in one heart filled act. His hands gripped her tightly, almost as if it were to be a sin if he let her go. He could almost feel her heart beat through her back, he concentrated on it, he couldn't think he could be more grateful for it to still be beating and keeping her alive. He buried his nose in her hair and closed his eyes, her hands resting neatly on his collarbones. The ends of her lips cracked into a small smile, a genuine emotion that hasn't been real or existent to her in weeks started to stream into her body. She felt as though that final piece of her heart had finally been stitched back into place, this was all she ever wanted. She couldn't remember the last time Eren had simply just held her and put her back together.


End file.
